Two Months Later..

I ended up chronicling my stop smoking journey at whyquit.com (under the name Kimberlee). I just really needed that support and it worked, I haven't smoked a cig in over two months. It still amazes me I did it, definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Something I intend never to go through again.

Now I just need to get my husband to quit smoking.

Sigh....

Day Three

Day three was tough. I found myself thinking about cigarettes/smoking every time I took a break at work. I tried to just walk and did some shopping during my lunch hour. Bought myself a few cool things I haven't been able to afford for awhile, with cigs being almost 8 bucks a pack. That felt pretty good actually.

I ended up skipping my afternoon break and just working through it. The hard part was at five pm. I hopped into Polly's car and she was smoking. I had told her not to stop smoking around me as I needed to deal with all my triggers. It was a little rough, but we chatted quite a bit and I soon forgot I needed a smoke.

At home last night was rough. My husband is still smoking until he's sure I am serious this time. He seems to be realizing thats the case. In the meantime, I had lots of thoughts about wanting a cigarette. Interestingly, it was less about smelling his smoke or seeing him smoke, but more about me being in different situations in which I really wanted a smoke.

It's amazing how much we train our brain (or should I say nicotine does) to desire cigarettes at certain times/events.

Day Two - Part Two

I've been spending much of the day today reading stories of people who smoked and got cancer.

Most of them don't make it.

My emotions are on edge. I cry at the drop of a hat.

I am so determined not to be another statistic.

Day Two

Well, I made it through last night. At home, with my husband smoking all night. At one point, he tried to give me his lit cigarette to calm me down.

I was pretty on-edge, he couldn't say anything right, so he gave up for awhile. I did apologize to him eventually. My three year old daughter wanted tons of attention and I could barely cook dinner. I couldn't wait to get to bed.

I found whyquit.com and its got some good info. No cheating, no puff here and there, no nicotine gum or patches. Cold turkey is the only way and the best way according to them. Sounds reasonable.

I feel more relaxed today. There are moments during my day when I miss smoking, but I'm just trying to do other things and not think about it.

So far so good.

Day One

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

No. Really.

At 43 years old, I'm getting my shit together. What does that involve?

Quitting a ten year-ish cigarette habit (not counting the years before that when I bummed the ciggy here and there, or smoked a whole pack on a Saturday night when out drinking with the girls.).

This journal, among other things, is to keep me honest, sane and help me get behind the psychology of why I do the things I do.

The first and most pressing, is quitting smoking. I quit today. I had a few drags off a friends cig on the way in to work, but nothing after it.

I don't really want to quit. I love smoking. I love it. I love it.

But why do I "love" it? I thought about that today on my lunch-break as I walked to the town common, to sit somewhere where I had never hung out to smoke.

That's very important to smokers, having places to hang out. Friends to smoke with and chat with. We all get to know each other after awhile. I could still go and hang out and talk, but the "reason" will be gone. So I'll do other things. Probably walk, since I want to lose some weight too, but that's not even making the list at this point. It's the least of my problems.

So as I walked back and forth to the common today, I looked at people as I walked by them. I never really did that much when I was walking and smoking. I was "doing" something, so I was "focused" on that.

I realized that my armor is gone. That thing that seperated me from all the people, the thing that gave me something to do. What will I do as I'm scurrying to and fro?

I brought one of those little red coffee stirrers to chew on. It helped me divert the tension. I'm on edge. How will I cope without all my crutches? Why am I doing all this at once? I don't even know if this is good to make so many life changing moves at once.

I just need to be strong. Mentally. It's mind over matter. I can do this. I must do this.

So as I sit on this warm, Fall day..I close my eyes and soak up the sun. I people watch and make up random stories about their lives. With about 15 minutes left on my lunch break, some random guy comes and sits down on the bench next to me. I open my eyes and say hi to my new bench mate. Mid 40's, gray hair, fairly attractive. If I had been enjoying a lil buzz like he was, and was single, I would have probably given him a go.

So he says he saw me and had to come over and say hi. I know the deal right away, but what the hell. I was sitting thinking all dark and broody thoughts and needed some distraction. We shake hands and I tell him I quit smoking today. He was really encouraging, cigarettes are terrible! He had called in sick to work and had obviously been to a bar in the morning and was taking a break in the common to hit on secretary types.

He was surprised that cigarrettes cost almost 8 bucks a pack here in MA. We chatted for awhile. I was tense and he was a good distraction, so I said random off the cuff things because I wasn't out to impress anyone. It was surreal, I hadn't had anyone try this obviously to pick me up for years.

I guess that's what happens when the armor is gone. I feel like the world is a different place.

I hope I can be brave enough to live in it.