Day One

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

No. Really.

At 43 years old, I'm getting my shit together. What does that involve?

Quitting a ten year-ish cigarette habit (not counting the years before that when I bummed the ciggy here and there, or smoked a whole pack on a Saturday night when out drinking with the girls.).

This journal, among other things, is to keep me honest, sane and help me get behind the psychology of why I do the things I do.

The first and most pressing, is quitting smoking. I quit today. I had a few drags off a friends cig on the way in to work, but nothing after it.

I don't really want to quit. I love smoking. I love it. I love it.

But why do I "love" it? I thought about that today on my lunch-break as I walked to the town common, to sit somewhere where I had never hung out to smoke.

That's very important to smokers, having places to hang out. Friends to smoke with and chat with. We all get to know each other after awhile. I could still go and hang out and talk, but the "reason" will be gone. So I'll do other things. Probably walk, since I want to lose some weight too, but that's not even making the list at this point. It's the least of my problems.

So as I walked back and forth to the common today, I looked at people as I walked by them. I never really did that much when I was walking and smoking. I was "doing" something, so I was "focused" on that.

I realized that my armor is gone. That thing that seperated me from all the people, the thing that gave me something to do. What will I do as I'm scurrying to and fro?

I brought one of those little red coffee stirrers to chew on. It helped me divert the tension. I'm on edge. How will I cope without all my crutches? Why am I doing all this at once? I don't even know if this is good to make so many life changing moves at once.

I just need to be strong. Mentally. It's mind over matter. I can do this. I must do this.

So as I sit on this warm, Fall day..I close my eyes and soak up the sun. I people watch and make up random stories about their lives. With about 15 minutes left on my lunch break, some random guy comes and sits down on the bench next to me. I open my eyes and say hi to my new bench mate. Mid 40's, gray hair, fairly attractive. If I had been enjoying a lil buzz like he was, and was single, I would have probably given him a go.

So he says he saw me and had to come over and say hi. I know the deal right away, but what the hell. I was sitting thinking all dark and broody thoughts and needed some distraction. We shake hands and I tell him I quit smoking today. He was really encouraging, cigarettes are terrible! He had called in sick to work and had obviously been to a bar in the morning and was taking a break in the common to hit on secretary types.

He was surprised that cigarrettes cost almost 8 bucks a pack here in MA. We chatted for awhile. I was tense and he was a good distraction, so I said random off the cuff things because I wasn't out to impress anyone. It was surreal, I hadn't had anyone try this obviously to pick me up for years.

I guess that's what happens when the armor is gone. I feel like the world is a different place.

I hope I can be brave enough to live in it.